Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's been a while...
A year and almost a month to be exact. As I have sat here and read my past entries on this blog, I have been filled with a mix of different emotions, but chief amongst them being REGRET. Why regret? For starters, a whole year? Not a single post? I have avoided writing like the plague and I've avoided it not because I've been busy, stressed, or tired, although I could use those as lame excuses, but rather because I've failed miserably at my goal of losing weight and honoring my commitments to myself, and I haven't been able to face myself...until recently. But I'm jumping ahead.
When I read my last post back in 2010 today, I was amazed at how identical the start of my last year was to 2011. I had a sinus infection this year as well and had house issues with a busted pipe in my garage from the insane ice storm that hit Dallas two weeks ago that I'm still recovering from. Health-wise, I started the year with the same resolve to make this year THE year I conquer my weight issues, once and for all. But the nagging question is: What will truly make this year different?
I also felt a bit of melancholy because in 2009, I was optimistic. I'd lost *some* weight and thought I was well on my way. I was running, writing, traveling, and trying new things. Since then, I've gained ALL the weight back I lost and 5 extra pounds. The highest the scale read for me the first week of January was 250lbs. To think of how I vowed that 245lbs would be the highest I ever saw and to surpass that has crushed my spirit. This week, I was 247.6, but 250lbs is still lurking around the corner.
So what happened? How did I get so far off track? The one good thing about the start of a new year is that it does allow for some self-reflection which I started in December. I decided to finally start being truly honest with myself. As optimistic as my past posts were, and even on bad days when I posted, I still wasn't being as honest as I could have been with myself. The truth is that I've lost a part of me that cares about me. I stopped paying attention, I stopped caring ENOUGH. It's one thing to go for a kickboxing class once a week, or a jog here or there, and to eat Kashi for breakfast and tons of fruit, or to get up and brush your teeth and put on makeup, it's another thing to really be able to look yourself in the mirror and be happy, to consistently show up for yourself and not just glide through life demanding so little of yourself.
A lot of great things happened last year. I got engaged to a wonderful man who loves me the way I am but has voiced concern for my health. He moved to Dallas and we have being going through the relationship ups and downs that come from inhaling each others air. I have come to learn a lot about myself from my first serious adult relationship and focusing on who Lara is within a relationship construct also took me away from who I am, period. There have been positives with that, definitely but from looking at my fat rolls, some not so positives as well.
Along with the beauty of moving into my first home, getting engaged, and just living has come the stress of an ever-changing workplace. My job, next to my excess weight is the highest source of my stress. The nature of the job itself is stressful but compound that with all the other auxiliary drama and I leave work daily wanting to just come home, eat, watch bad TV and fall asleep on my couch, which is precisely what I do. As I mentioned earlier, these are not excuses, just contributing factors.
The biggest factor is this:
Friends, I've stopped believing in myself. I've lost faith that I have it in me, but I have faith that God has big plans for me and the very least I can do is show up and see what those plans are.
So I'm going through the motions. I have stockpiled on self-affirming, self-help books on everything from setting goals to losing weight, and living your dreams. I am hungry for anything that can help get me recharged and back(?) on a path of wholesome, healthy living.
Truth be told, I had been toying with the idea of abandoning this blog altogether and starting a more comprehensive one called "Lara cuts the crap" because "the crap" isn't just food, it's about everything else that makes us less than who we can be, but at the end of the day, that's just another excuse to not finish something I started, so I am finally sticking to something and keeping this blog. Besides, one could use the chicken argument: Is my fat causing the other crap, or the other crap causing my fat? I aim to find out.
Although I've decided to keep this blog and its emphasis on weight loss the tone of the blog, however, will change. It will be more honest, more journal-like, if you will. The one thing I noticed about my past writing is that I wrote as something who already had the answers, but was just having a hard time implementing them because life got in the way. This time, it's going to be my raw, open thoughts and emotions. I am a student, not (yet) a teacher. I come seeking knowledge through my own experiences, trials, tribulations and hopefully successes. I want to share this with anyone who cares because I will need the support, the friendship, and on occasion, the kick in the pants. I DON'T have it together, but I'm gathering all the lost pieces, and fitting the puzzle together piece by piece.
The past is gone, the future is not promised, all any of us have is NOW.